Love in the wrong places
This is something... I'm not sure what exactly, but something...
What I understand about Harry Potter
The Harry Potter franchise occupies a special place for me, it is a shared space with Hunger Games, Classic Star Trek, Team Fortress 2 and hardcore gay porn. In other words, it's something that I have not experienced, but I kind of know what they are about due to some sort of cultural osmosis. I kind of have an idea of what Harry Potter is about. Which I pieced together from fragments of my friends discussing it, what I've heard on the internet and the movies playing in the background as I walk past it in the living room. It is a vague twisted idea, but I kind of get it, at least I think I do. This is what I wrote on a sleepless night to try to make sense of everything I know about Harry Potter.
Harry Potter and the Philosopher's stone
Voldemort tries to murder baby Harry because of some sort of prophecy. Baby Harry deflects his attack, the explosion kills Harry's parents and blows off Voldemort's nose.
Cue title card and Harry potter theme.
Harry is now 10 years old(?) and living under the staircase of his evil uncle. He gets a letter from an owl telling him that he can enroll in Hogwarts. For unclear reasons his uncle lets him go, maybe his uncle just doesn't care. He goes on a train from platform something-something-three quarters. It takes him to the magical school of Hogwarts!
At Hogwarts he meets Hermione Granger and Ron (I think his last name sounds something like Sniffly). Weasley! Now I remember. They form team potter. There is a hat that makes them join House Griffindor. I assume it's some sort of residential college.
They learn stuff from that gandalf looking guy, who I can't remember his name. Dumbledore! Yes. Him. He's secretly gay. He also endangers children.
Dumbledore has the Philosopher's stone in his possession. In America it's called the sorcerer's stone. I'm guessing the Voldemort (who isn't dead! I think this is some sort of plot twist.) tries to steal the stone. Obviously team potter stops him by being meddling kids. I think there's a three headed dog involved in the final boss fight.
The Philosopher's stone is destroyed, releasing all the tortured souls held inside (I may be confusing this with Fullmetal Alchemist). I'm guessing this happens because nobody talks about it again after the first book. Harry goes back to living under his uncles stairs.
Harry potter and the chamber of secrets
Harry returns for year two! The go shopping in diagon alley. There's a giant snake eating kids. Team potter has to stop it. Plot twist the snake is Voldemort! Plot twist the house named Slytherin is involved too! There's that blond kid (Drago or something?) that whines a lot to his dad that bullies Harry. I think he's part of house Slytherin.
Honestly I have no idea what happens in chamber of secrets because nobody really talks about it. So I assume that there is a dramatic boss fight with the snake, I think there is a giant chess set involved. Somewhere in this they play broomstick rugby where they chase a snitch.
Team potter defeats Voldemort and kill the blond kid in a boss battle. Harry is sent back to live under his uncle's stairs.
Harry potter and the book I had to Google to remember the title. (Prisoner of azkaban)
The prisoner of azkaban escapes! On a hippogriff!
Harry is now an angry teenager, this movie is dark and blue. He almost kills his cousin with some magic thing. He gets sent back to Hogwarts. Ron takes him in a flying blue car.
Something. Something. Giant killer tree. Plot twist the professor named Lupus is a werewolf! Black things working for Voldemort attack. Dementor or something.
Harry spends all this time running around the woods. He meets the prisoner, who is his father's friend. They are attacked by the black things and the prisoner dude in killed. Harry learns the deer spell (Patronas!) And it gores the flying black things. I have no idea what the werewolf does during all of this.
He lets the hippogriff go. Everybody is sad. I have no idea what Hermione was doing all this time. I wonder if she's one of those unimportant characters that only shows up in promotional material. School year ends. Back to closet under the stairs, Harry.
Harry potter and the goblet of fire
Harry is selected to participate in a death game! Dumbledore chooses him as a sacrifice, in a plan to lure out Voldemort. Harry has to compete for the goblet of fire with some russian wizard and some racist caricature named Cho Chang. Both are eaten by a phoenix in the last round. Harry kills the phoenix in the final boss battle. He wins the goblet of fire and the right to live! Voldemort doesn't show up? I don't know.
Harry potter and the order of the phoenix.
I have literally no idea what happens here, all I know that the book is thick enough to cause permanent head damage. I thought they killed the phoenix in the last book. I assume it's an uneventful school year where they play quidditch and Harry goes back to the closet in the end.
Harry potter and the half blood Prince.
Voldemort takes over the Wizard world! (Maybe this happened in the last book while they were playing quidditch.) Now Harry is a freedom fighter/terrorist. He has to kill the half blood Prince! Everybody shoots beams out of their wands like automatic weapons now. There's a woman in pink that is one of the bad guys, that female Johnny Depp and the Sniffly twins. They still play quidditch? I still have no idea what Hermione does in this. Dumbledore dies! Tragedy? Sad? They find and blow up the half blood Prince in a boss battle. But find out that Voldemort has phylacteries which are called horcruxes. I assume the uncle and his family is dead by now from the crossfire.
Harry potter and the deathly hallows
Team Harry blows up all the phylacteries. Now time for the final battle! Everybody shoots lightning at each other and I assume there is a deer involved. Hogwarts is blown up! Harry and Voldemort get into a fist fight. When they can barely stand, someone runs up and steals the kill with a sword. Plot twist! It turns out he was the chosen one all along. I have no idea who he is but Harry Potter fans seem to think this is interesting. Hermione marries Ron! Harry has nothing left, so he becomes a wizard cop. The end!
*After I showed this to a friend they asked me what I thought happened to Snape. I assume that he is that shifty looking teacher villian that was offed by the 2nd or 3rd book.
Uploaded Jan 2022Go BACK
A beginners guide to the Gundam Franchise
Gundam is an absolute behemoth of a franchise with series, movies, games and model kits. So to introduce new fans to the franchise I made this handy guide. Based on my own very specific personal experience, this is the only correct watch order for anything Gundam related:
- Look at 90's model kit boxes in your local department store. Everything is in Japanese except for the name of the Mobile Suit and there is no context for anything. But the box art is pretty.
- Play untranslated Gundam SNES games (pirated on floppy disks), don't go beyond the first level because you don't know Japanese and the menus make no sense.
- Read information on Gundam web sites from the late 90's. You can't access the anime, but now you can immerse yourself in the lore. MEMORISE ALL THE MOBILE SUITS! The most you see is just gifs and tiny jpegs of the actual anime.
- Buy 90's Gundam model kits with your small allowance. All the model kits suck, but at the time we don't any better. Read model kit reviews on Gundam websites and fantasise about building them.
- Play Gundam 0079: The War for Earth. This is the definitive version of Gundam. Char Aznable will always be a fat white dude with a cheap costume and bad acting.
- Get up early on Saturday mornings to watch Gundam Seed on an old CRT TV that you occasionally have to open up to fix (Get electrocuted once in a while). Gundam Seed kind of sucks, but you must begrudgingly watch it because it's the only one aired on terrestrial TV.
- Start torrenting anime. Download Gundam Seed Destiny. It sucks worse than Gundam Seed and in hindsight Seed wasn't that bad in comparison. But finish watching it because of the sunk cost fallacy.
- Watch Neon Genesis Evangelion. Realise that it's better than Gundam.
- Watch the original Gundam movie trilogy. It has shitty animation but it fits your ideal of what Gundam should be.
- Watch Gundam 00, complain about the lack of thrusters and verniers on the Gundams, it's a petty reasons to dislike almost universally loved designs, but you are a petty person. Give up half way through the first season. Borrow a DVD of the second season and finish it all in a single seating, because of that it's all a vague blur. Watch the movie randomly in this sequence.
- Watch Zeta Gundam until episode 20-something, then Turn A Gundam until episode 20-something. For unknown reasons, NEVER FINISH THE GOOD SERIES!
- Listen to the Zeta Gundam OST on Youtube, it's great.
- You now have disposable income, start buying Gundam model kits again. Technology has progressed and now Gundam kits are awesome. Amass a huge pile of model kits that you can't seem to finish.
- Download illegal scans of Japanese model kit magazines and try to decipher their techniques, you still can't read Japanese
- Watch the short OVAs 08th MS Team, Gundam 0080: War in the Pocket and Gunpla Builders Beginning G on Youtube. Listen to the Victory Gundam OST, it's really good.
- Watch all of Gundam AGE. Realise that you can only seem to finish bad Gundam series and it's too late for regrets.
- Video is now plentiful and easy to stream. Watch Char's Counterattack and Gundam F91 without subtitles. You're not actually missing much if you don't understand Japanese.
- Watch Gundam Unicorn, one episode a year. Listen to its OST when you need motivation to finish reports and assignments.
- Watch G-Saviour. It's a low budget Canadian live action production but it has it's charms.
- Watch Gunpla Build Fighters. Be surprised that it is actually good.
- Build a Real Grade Zaku II (Mass production type). The skirt armor is a bit loose, but it's a decent kit.
- Watch Gunpla Buld Fighters Try and Gundam Reconguista in G, both are terribly flawed.
- Come to the realisation that actually as a franchise most of Gundam kind of sucks. But by now you are too deep to back out. Watching the fight scenes on Youtube and filing in the blanks with your imagination is better than wasting time watching most of the anime series.
- Discover a Japanese website that sells second hand model kits. Buy a whole bunch of 80-90's kits that you've always wanted. Actually Maschinen Krieger is better than Gundam too.
- Watch a few of episodes of Iron Blooded Orphans, Gunpla Build Divers and Gunpla Build Divers ReRise, then give up on all of those series.
- Watch Gundam Thunderbolt: December Sky and Gundam: The Origin. Those are kind of decent but not enough to restore any faith in the franchise.
- Watch Gundam Narrative, question why there is no dub where all the main characters have over-the-top Australian accents.
- Play the Gacha game Gundam Battle: Gunpla Warfare. Realise that Gundam's terribleness also affects its games.
- Come to the horrifying realisation that you've wasted decades on this terrible franchise, but you will probabaly try watching the next series that comes out. Remember kids, Winners don't do drugs.
Uploaded Jan 2022Go BACK
Revisiting ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US
(Intentionally written in broken English)
When I start found ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US, I laugh until I breathless on chair computer me. Maybe this is reaction brain teenager I, where cell brain haven't perfect connection. But now here, when already adult, maybe too adult, it isn't funny like before. I still smile, but this maybe only smile nostalgia. Could it less funny because I too old to enjoy joke stupid on internet? Or could I more sympathy with language that ride-rides? Maybe experience teach language English and languaging standard with friends out country has changed perception I of language that not perfect? Behind language that handicapped, is mind that brave try to communicate. From laughing, when I start impressed with courage to talk language alien? Grammar and vocabulary not barrier to know liver human other. Maybe this is maturity that come from experience. But as exchange for maturity, I have lost my laugh. Sad not?
Uploaded Jan 2022Go BACK
Bila saya mula-mula jumpa ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US, saya ketawa sampai saya tercungap-cungap di atas kerusi komputer saya. Mungkin ini adalah reaksi otak remaja saya, dimana sel otak belum sempurna berhubung. Tetapi dewasa ini, apabila sudah dewasa, mungkin terlalu dewasa, ia taklah lawak seperti dulu. Saya masih tersenyum, tapi ini mungkin hanya senyuman nostalgia. Adakah ia kurang lawak sebab saya terlalu tua untuk menikmati lawak bodoh di internet? Atau adakah saya lebih bersimpati dengan bahasa yang tunggang-langang?
Mungkin pengalaman mengajar Bahasa Inggeris dan berbahasa baku dengan kawan luar negara telah mengubah persepsi saya tentang bahasa yang tak sempurna? Disebalik bahasa yang cacat, ada minda yang berani mencuba untuk komunikasi. Daripada mentertawakannya, bila saya mula kagum dengan keberanian untuk bertutur dalam bahasa asing? Tatabahasa dan kosa kata bukan halangan untuk mengenali hati manusia lain. Mungkin ini adalah kematangan yang datang dari pengalaman.
Tapi sebagai ganti untuk kematangan, saya telah hilang ketawa saya. Sedih bukan?